The Reluctant Wife recommended that we watch Silver Linings Playbook on date night and I somewhat reluctantly agreed. Her description of an award winning film that depicted the trials and tribulations of a guy who is bipolar, out of the hospital AMA and falling in love with someone who helps him get better frankly sounded like going to work. And I was concerned about how accurate the portrayal of mental illness would be and how much time I would spend evaluating that and so on and so forth. Well… This is a delightful little film. And one that I think says something very interesting – not so much about mental illness, but about the function that sex can serve in relationships between men and women.
The film is set in Philadelphia and Bradley Cooper plays Pat
Solatano, Jr., the character who is hospitalized after he discovers his wife
Nikki having a tryst in their shower with a history teacher from the high
school where she works. Pat beats her
lover so severely that they are both hospitalized, the teacher for injuries and
Pat for a mental disorder by the judge.
Pat comes by his violent streak honestly – his Dad (played by Robert De
Niro) is no longer allowed to go to Eagles games because he was in too many
fights in the stands. Released from the
hospital into the care of his mother (Jacki Weaver) and father, Pat meets his
buddy’s sister-in-law Tiffany (played by Jennifer Lawrence the star of the the hunger games movies), who is recently
widowed, at a dinner party thrown by his buddy and his buddy’s wife, who is
still in contact with Pat’s wife Nikki– who, in turn, has a restraining order
against Pat, which he resents and bridles against as he is still madly in love
with his wife despite her affair.
The party is where things get interesting. Tiffany is a slightly gothy, completely wacky
woman who apparently sleeps with anything that walks. She leaves the dinner early, Pat walks her
home, she invites him to have sex, and you’d think Pat, who hasn’t had sex in a
long while, would bed her in heartbeat, but his devotion to Nikki prevents it. Tiffany promises to deliver a letter to Nikki
for Pat if Pat will practice dancing and enter a dance contest with her. OK, now the spoilers begin. Tiffany, as wacky as she is, is in league
with Pat’s Mom. Pat’s Mom let’s her know
when Pat is going out jogging so that she can stalk him, which she does as she
tries to get him to commit to practicing for the dance contest and
competing. Pat’s Mom, who sprung Pat
from the hospital prematurely, is trying to fix Pat up with Tiffany because she
believes Tiffany is better for him than Nikki was or ever could be. Neither Pat nor we know about his mother’s
machinations. When he finally commits to
the dance routine in exchange for Tiffany sending his letters to Nikki (and
returning letters from Nikki to him), he becomes quite fond of Tiffany and
fends off one of the many men that she has bedded and keeps on strings since
her husband’s death.
Tiffany’s explanation for her apparently indiscriminate interest in sex is tied up with her husband’s death. He died when they had been having a slow spell
in their sexual relationship; he had driven to Victoria’s Secret to get
something to spice up their relationship and on the way home, he had a flat
tire and, while changing it, was hit by a car.
What she doesn’t say is that to deny sex to a man is to kill him, but it
isn’t hard to connect the dots. She
became set on a path of preventing the deaths of men (and women) in her life – and also assuaging her guilt for killing her husband – by having sex with all
of them. Of course, this introduced
interesting complications, including getting fired when she slept with everyone
in her office, but I think one of the complications is that she attracted men
(and women) who really did need her to keep them from falling apart. And Pat stands out because he is able to use his ex-wife - a woman he is NOT sleeping with – to organize himself – to keep himself
from falling apart (though just barely – and Tiffany helps – a lot – and it is,
I think, important that her help, too, does not involve having sex with him).
What truth is there to this?
Will a man fall apart without sex?
Men talk about exploding when they don’t have sex (Blue balls is the
myth that men pass around about what will happen if they become aroused and don’t
orgasm – as if they didn’t get erections 4 or 5 times every night when they
dream; and very rarely do they wake up the next morning with missing or damaged parts).
And sexual intercourse was privileged by none other than Freud himself,
who credited masturbation as causing mental illness and intercourse as the route
to mental health. The irony is that
while Freud was doing this, at least initially, he was denying the importance
of the relationship between people as a curative factor – or certainly giving
relationally based cures a snide dismissal (he was also likely having sex infrequently - we don't have good data about his masturbatory habits).
In any case, Kohut is the analyst who talks about individuals becoming
shattered because they don’t have an internal sense of integrity, and he ties
this to the need to have another person to, quite literally, hold them together
– something that, across time, in normal development (and presumably in treatment), we internalize, so that
we are able to hold ourselves together because we have an internal version of
the people who have held us together.
For Kohut, unlike for Freud, this isn’t explicitly tied to sex; but
Tiffany makes that connection. She
senses the vulnerabilities of the men (and women) that she approaches, and serves
as an organizing entity through her sexuality – though she seems to be equal
parts stabilizing and chaos inducing.
Lawrence’s portrayal of Tiffany, for which she earned an
Oscar, shimmers. She steals every scene
that she is in. We cannot take our eyes
off her (OK, maybe it’s just me as a man, that can’t, but I think there is more
to it than that). Tiffany hovers between
offering this tremendous salve – this healing binding force which will cure
what ails you – and being desperately hungry for something herself – something that
only the other, only this one, can provide.
As in all good romantic comedies, the tension between Tiffany and Pat
builds, but her apparent nonchalance – she is the one who has all the goodies –
precariously balances against the need to have Pat love her, a need she tries
to hide from him, but one that we can see all too clearly – a need for him to transfer
his allegiance from Nikki – who surely does not deserve it – to her. She not only deserves, but needs someone who
can love her as firmly and resolutely as Pat loves Nikki – not someone who needs
the salve of a temporary fix that comes from a sexual encounter that
momentarily helps them believe that they are worthy, but someone who can use her
presence to anchor themselves and, because they are capable of doing that, they
can serve as the kind of anchor that she needs – someone who can be deeply,
intimately and constantly connected to her and help her rebuild the sense of
herself that she had – or hoped to achieve – in the relationship with her
husband.
Last night we went to a spoken word event. This is poetry, sometimes set to music, frequently
written by African Americans and, at least in our local rendition, is frequently
written to heal the wounds that the poets have, but they are wounds that, at
least in the experience of the authors talking, are not just their own, but shared
by the community. I happened to have
gone to an African American funeral earlier in the day – one of the brothers of
one of my co-workers died – and to a wedding reception for two women who had
celebrated the twentieth anniversary of their original, illegal wedding by
getting married with the imprimatur of the state. At each of these events the congregants were
together, supporting each other, helping each other to bear – to be – constant to
each other. Trying to help each other
rise above the difficulties of being able to be constant because of the ways
that trauma – death, exclusion by society, the inconstancy of a fragmented
culture’s caretaking – had deeply and powerfully impacted individuals. The hope – a hope that was exemplified by
both Nikki and Pat – in each of the three gatherings – was that, in spite of
the odds against it – this group, these individuals could be constant for each
other – could provide what is needed to help keep themselves and each other
stitched together, whole and filled with integrity.
All four then; the movie, the funeral, the wedding and the
poetry slam, were dreams. Dreams that
point towards an integrity not yet achieved.
The movie – as dreams that are of things that are not yet quite possible
in the mind of the dreamer – lurches towards its conclusion. The plot is far-fetched and threatens to fall
apart. Our credulity is strained. Things don’t fit together seamlessly and threaten to spin out of control. And the conclusion is not quite the fairy
tale ending – which is much more satisfying than a pure fairy tale ending would
be (that said, there is an unrealistic amount of cotton candy at the very end–
it is, after all, a Hollywood product…).
William Raspberry, an African American Columnist, wrote in a
column twenty years ago that he felt little hope for the African American
Community because he did not see that African Americans were able to help
themselves. I think that a
culture whose shared roots lie in inhumane trauma – trauma that is
institutionalized as well as woven into the transgenerational transmission of trauma
through the family and individual relationships - will be incredibly hard
pressed to achieve the healing that the spoken word performers were seeking
through their work. It will be long,
slow work – the work of generations. But
it is incredibly important work – and as we lurch towards achieving the goals
of that work, I think that it is no accident that soul and R&B music – with
its references to sexual healing and love – including especially decidedly
physical expressions of love – is an expression of a powerful balm that those
who have been traumatized can be drawn towards (see an essay on Hozier, an Irish r&B performer, here).
And while the ending of Silver Linings (it is a RomCom) suggests that
this is an achievable end; Tiffany’s unbalanced lurching towards that goal –
Pat’s belief that enough exercise will win Nikki back - the importance of Pat’s
parents being willing to endure the tension of working without a net, all of
these clearly characterize just how chancy and risky it is to try to bootstrap
our way to happiness.
But honestly, what other option do we have? Won’t we necessarily be inconstant in our
efforts to provide each other with the foundation that we need to move
forward? Won’t this be incredibly
destabilizing – how can we learn to trust when we keep getting disappointed by
those we rely on most closely and intimately?
But won’t we, in the process, learn the value of constancy? Won’t we become that which we are lurching
towards – not the Kardashian’s, who use money and things to prop themselves up,
but people whose love for each other creates a base that they can use to spread
that love to others – not just through sex – but through caring for our
children and for each other – being able to love more broadly than just sexually because we have a foundation – a base to work from – a base in our
relationships with our parents and other caregivers where the sexual is peripheral – not central –
that allows us to build ourselves into adults who are comfortably sexual – in
whatever way that may be, including being asexual – and we can work from this adult,
loving base to spread the love that will develop us and those around us further? Perhaps not in this or the next generation; but we will only achieve our destination if we keep working towards it.
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